im in this in between place today

im hurting so much

and i have nowhere to put that pain.

and i am sad

and alone

and don’t want to talk to anybody

and i don’t want to see people

and im angry at life

and i keep just wanting

to crawl under the covers

and hide

and sometimes i do

but mostly I just bleed

and hope that nobody notices

the death trail of blood

in my wake

cause then

id probably have to talk to them

and I don’t want to

talk to anyone



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olives and berries and other lost dreams

im so tired

and sad

and i woke up


and every day is a battle

and i made stupid mistakes

and i want to stop wanting

i need to stop wanting

i wish i didn’t know

i wish the impossible

was possible

i hate this feeling

i hate being weak

i hate being small

i hate being me

because i

am incomplete.

i know that now.

and so i am so




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talking fish swimming in wine

it’s always different when i’m like this.

i can think clearer

though it clouds some things

but i think i need it

cause i’m so so strained.

with loss comes life

and then loss


when you’re thrown overboard

and you realize the sharks are going to eat you

if you agree to swim with them

cause they bare their teeth

and keep on swimming

and there you are

just gasping for breath

and you realize

that you’d rather drown

than get eaten by the damn fucking shark.

so you let go.

and it’s scary.

but perhaps that abyss is better

than being locked in those jaws


and so that’s where i am

and you are nowhere

and maybe one day

ill find a fish

that thinks im beautiful

and knows that im brave

and wants to be with me

because im more

than just another fish

in the messed up dying


so there you have it.

i could’ve done better with my words.

but im drowning here.

thats all.


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ive given up

to the little pills

and the people in charge

and the powers that be.

i acknowledge my status

or lack thereof

and state for the record

that i am not me.

in any way

that ive ever thought

or any way that

i thought that i might.

i hang out that flag

of muddy defeat

and take off my boots

to walk on your turf.

no longer shod

or brave, or bold

with no thought at all

that i am of worth.

and i hold to my raft

alone and adrift

twigs tied to ashes

paper sails limp.

at nights fall i say

goodbye to the dreams

and welcome the monsters

that own me from now.

and sometimes i shake my head

to release

that old picture of me

that crops up by mistake,

in deep understanding

that I no longer am

and pray to forget

the lies I was told.

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gunhold for 500

maybe it’s time

to sell

to the highest


perhaps then,

id get a farce

i could deal with.


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always lost, always alone.

felt the tingle

just now,

for the first time

in a while.

funny though,

there doesn’t seem to be

a point to it


maybe that’s why..


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the impossible death

i see you.

and i so wish

i could be

what you need.

i understand you.

so well,


if possible,

and i want

to fill that space.

i hear you.

i do.

so loudly

it overwhelms

my own voice

and everyone else’s as well..

and i want

so badly

to give you

what you need.

cause i know what that is.

and i know that i can.

and i know

that im built

for that ship.

but heres the thing,

i know, that you see me

and so i know

that i,

am just not

the one.

i can’t be.

because you cant breathe me.

and so,

i know that i can’t be,

’cause i,




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