lifeofawillow

im so tired.

and just want to sleep.

thats all.

i have not made it through ok.
it did not work out.
i did not
for all intents and purposes
survive.
and you know what?
it just is what it is.
i was so often right.
that others have it easier.
that they will walk away.
and that i,
i will carry the weight of the death
and the burden of proof
and simply add it
to my already uncarryable load.
and as i get ever more weighed down
and crumple
under my own impossible life
i will watch and know
that i was duped and destroyed
by my own stupidity at best.
may they suffer in their lies.
i have no more kindness to give.
they stole it
and there wasn’t enough of me left
to reproduce the cells
of anything good
again.
i have no power.
the little i had was in naive goodness
and look where that all got me.
i give what’s left
to the devil now.
godspeed
and good luck.
may there be no one
to mourn you.
ever.

It was a hard day.
I’m falling asleep.
It’s been a hard week.
I’ve not had much time for anything. There’s a lot on me.
People are nasty.
And you know what?
I want to be rid of all of them.
I wish I could hurt them But I can’t.
The most I can do is leave.
With nothing good to say of them ever.
It’s an unfair world.
With an unfair god.
And I look at their pictures and resent so much.
I’m trying to disconnect in general.
Not be involved.
Not be part of.
Its hard not to be a fool
When you’re covering yourself up
To avoid them hurting you.
I hate them all.
So much.
I have a list of people I’d like to hurt.
I was never that person.
But it’s just too much.
Screw you.
Pathetic selfish shallow nothing.
And screw me.
Alone and stupid.
So so so stupid.
I live in humiliation.
In defeat.
You won.
You all won.

i wish i wasnt so sensitive.

im always just so soft.

i didnt used to be.

i was too busy fighting.

but now,

i always am.

something was done to me

that cannot be undone.

and i,

im drowning in my softness..

cause theres no one here,

to pull me out.

theres no one with me

ever.

i look forward
to the end.

im so tired;

and wonder

if theres anyone

anywhere

that can feel me

anymore.

i feel like im on a treadmill

that never stops…..

a drunken hamster

pedalling my little legs

as fast as i possibly can

while my tiny brain

sits in its cage

and i continue

to run.

and all around me,

are mirrors

and cackling

and noises that scare me

to hell..

and clowns

with painted faces

laugh

and lie

and lay down the law..

and i,

i try to reach

for the bars

of my prison,

only to realize,

theres nothing there,

at all.

theres nothing in the world that i like quite as much as this.

the cool breeze through the window,

as autumn slowly sets in..

the sweet navy of night

with the sound of rain outside..

a slight swell of wet in the air,

and me,

softly wrapped in a blanket,

in a home that i call, my own.

its amazing

the lives ive lived.

none of them good

and i would not do any again.

there was a moment there,

where i had started to believe,

where i thought i had a chance,

where i was convinced

that i was wrong.

when something was shown to me

and i believed.

and then it went dark.

and i was alone.

in an impossible space.

with nothing and no one.

and i was less

than i had ever been.

and that, was hard to come by.

and life wore on,

cause that’s what it does.

and the bad kept happening

cause that’s what i get.

and the pain increased.

it’s only natural.

and i,

i was alone.

again.

in ways a girl should never be.

as always.

and it just was.

cause it’s all a lie really.

and there’s nothing in this for me.

and i was right all along.

so right.

encouraged by the devil

to think there was better.

but there wasn’t.

and there isn’t.

not for me.

that all requires heft.

money,

power,

crookedness.

things i never have.

skip the chapters,,

they’re unimportant

as am i,

as am i,

as am i.

and here i am,

and i care no more.

i do to make others feel good.

and when they’re gone,

i think of them with disdain,

cause they just take from me,

and i am tired.

and with this new beginning,

i just don’t care.

cause i have done nothing wrong.

i have only been wronged.

and i care not about the god,

cause i don’t think he exists.

save for perhaps some cruelty

in which i have fear

of that drop of the other shoe.

i shall not pray,

save for my son,

and even that,

is only out of fear.

i have had everything taken,

im the fool of the dupe,

ive been tricked and left

to rot in this quagmire.

in a place i was never capable

of traversing.

and it has taken all i had left.

i no longer care about others.

and if they took from me

to ease their journey,

they need not my forgiveness,

cause i have nothing to give.

so i ask nothing

and i extend nothing.

and I will close my eyes

and move through the day,

where life is given,

only to those,

that have money

to pay.

im so not ok.

im glad its the end.

my resolutions are none.

i just must go.

i shed her completely

i hate that she existed

and when she goes

there will be

relief.