lifeofawillow

every day

goes by in haze

as i wait for it all

just to end.

im not here anymore.

i did what i need to.

for tonight.

i always have to smile.

and nod.

and do all the things

for all the people.

but i have nothing of my own.

and ive been hurt.

so badly i no longer breathe.

forget the gray hair.

those started at 13.

my mother .

thats all.

so theres more now.

who the hell cares.

i get headaches for days on end.

im nauseous.

i cant eat.

i feel always

like the trash that i am.

it will never be ok.

i imagine myself

standing there in the garden

in my jeans.

with a beautiful baby.

i was tough

i was hard.

i hadnt much femininity.

but i was ok.

I

WAS

O

K

!!!!!!

and i was stupid.

so stupid.

i always remember myself there.

and i just want it back.

now i have nothing.

but this stupid girl heart

that feels too much.

and the eternal hurt of having been duped.

and taken

for all i was worth.

literally

all of it.

was it worth it?

hmm?

im going to walk off the cliff.

i will.

i am more tempted each time.

take a picture of my feet going down

with your name on my lips.

and nothing

to lose.

im quietly screaming.

im so not ok.

just trudging along.

cause thats what i do.

all the things.

get them done.

ive given up everything me.

ive given up.

me.

that seems to be the price.

and who am i to argue.

im the girl that takes.

cause she cant afford to choose.

so, so be it.

this is it now.

here goes nothing.

literally.

i hate this night.

i still have this stupid migraine.

and i didn’t sleep for very long.

and i woke so many times.

and i had piles of dreams.

too many.

and you haunted all of them.

you were everywhere.

and in one,

we held each other

and you didn’t leave.

that was the worst one of all.

it’s hard enough to deal with reality

without my subconscious

getting in the way.

i hate this night.

and im so tired.

and this migraine just doesn’t go.

maybe im finally dying.

i don’t think you dream

when youre dead.

i really just need a miracle.

a knock on my door.

a hug.

a big one.

id like to be seen

migraines and all

and i just want to forget this pain.

i check my door every night

and no one’s ever there.

tonight i went

and looked at the sky

and begged just a little bit.

yet still i sit alone

and sad

with no one ever here.

sometimes i talk to you.

like youre here.

the way you were.

and in that place

im just ok.

perfect as a matter of fact.

content.

happy.

full of joy.

i find myself smiling

as i am now

cause its what you brought

to life

in me,

and i feel deep things

that bring forth tears

but i have no idea what they are for.

you cant possibly know

the love that i have

the levels to which id go.

i think it would be

impossible to leave

if one knew

that that existed

for them.

for them alone.

and so i smile

through tears

and wish the world away

and feel your space

in mine.

and i know to the deepest depths of my core

that a love like that

never

ever

leaves.

so i hold on

as i always will

in this poisoned perfect mistake

and i dream a dream

where you exist

while the drugs take me

away.

i cant do it anymore.

goodbye.

I’m impossibly sad.

Every day.

It’s such a struggle

Just to do the things I need to.

And the things I need to do

Are all sad things.

I don’t know what to do with me

Other than maybe try to not be me

Until I don’t have to be

At all.

I just wrote something so nasty.
I just want to hurt you.
Maybe I can.

so many changes.

none of them good.

well maybe one.

but who the hell knows.

i wish i believed in something.

anything.

cause this is all just becoming

more and more meaningless

as the days go by

and the pain grows deeper.

there never are choices.

not real ones.

not good ones.

i am always choosing the bad

from the worse.

i hate the god

that gives me this pain.

over

and

over

and

over.

i trust no one

and find that people that i thought had worth

have none at all

and are simply good advertisements

for themselves.

cameos

for the sake of looking good…

i think im the only one like me.

im surrounded by fake piousness.

everyone wants a piece of me

and i become more acutely aware

that this is my worth

and that is why they give.

im in the oldest profession in the world

already.

they just are too narcissistic to see that they are paying

and i am too desperate to feel anything at all.

if i had a way to tell the people that have hurt me what it’s done,

in a way that would ruin them,

i would.

i no longer care to protect others

or be godly.

i want to see them writhe in pain.

i want them to know what they’ve done.

i know.

i know it’s just a game to them

and i was disposable

and they lie and use my stupidity against me.

i know i pick up on it all too late

always.

i know i was lied to

cause it worked in a fairy tale

and it worked in their world.

ultimately, i am not loved.

nor was i.

and why would i be?

ive come to realize my lack

of intelligence

of usefulness

of being.

i really really really wish

my mother had killed me

all those times

she had the chance.

maybe

She still can.

id like the chance

to haunt a few people

in the most terrible way

forever.

at this point,

that,

is all i have.