lifeofawillow

i can’t sleep.

even now.

and i know

i have so much to do

tomorrow…

but today

is haunting me

still.

and so,

awake i stay

in throes of

nevermore.

i wonder who i am anymore

still making lists

still getting it done

the stupid stuff

the woman stuff

the household stuff

religion…

im fortunate so

but tortured still,

and wonder

if it ever becomes

any more

fulfilling.

i think i might be dead inside.

at least partially.

if thats a thing.

i should be missing stuff.

people maybe.

and feeling things

and emoting..

way more and way stronger

than i do or am.

i dont care either.

that im not feeling all the things.

whats the point anyway.

wilting on the vine.

such is life.

makes no difference anyway.

theres a time limit here.

then it all goes

gray.

my brain is gurgling,

like a fish out of water.

dont put me back in.

its scary down there.

im so tired.

so worn.

so alone.

im living in

a perpetual state

of ick.

and im just so exhausted.

thats all.

i just sat here

looking at this page

blank

for an eternity.

just

like

me.

would you still think

im beautiful?

if you saw me

as i am,

with shaking hands

and trembling soul

and a tentative heartbeat

at best..

would you still think me pretty?

if you saw my eyes so sad,

too big now

in sunken cheek,

my mouth a mourning

sea…

would you think i was lovely?

in shaded form of night,

stilled in fear

afraid of day

pale as death

might be..

would you still want to hold me?

in form of ragged edge,

skin and bone

on soiled soul

a ghost of girl

you knew..