i feel like im on a treadmill
that never stops…..
a drunken hamster
pedalling my little legs
as fast as i possibly can
while my tiny brain
sits in its cage
and i continue
to run.
and all around me,
are mirrors
and cackling
and noises that scare me
to hell..
and clowns
with painted faces
laugh
and lie
and lay down the law..
and i,
i try to reach
for the bars
of my prison,
only to realize,
theres nothing there,
at all.
theres nothing in the world that i like quite as much as this.
the cool breeze through the window,
as autumn slowly sets in..
the sweet navy of night
with the sound of rain outside..
a slight swell of wet in the air,
and me,
softly wrapped in a blanket,
in a home that i call, my own.
its amazing
the lives ive lived.
none of them good
and i would not do any again.
there was a moment there,
where i had started to believe,
where i thought i had a chance,
where i was convinced
that i was wrong.
when something was shown to me
and i believed.
and then it went dark.
and i was alone.
in an impossible space.
with nothing and no one.
and i was less
than i had ever been.
and that, was hard to come by.
and life wore on,
cause that’s what it does.
and the bad kept happening
cause that’s what i get.
and the pain increased.
it’s only natural.
and i,
i was alone.
again.
in ways a girl should never be.
as always.
and it just was.
cause it’s all a lie really.
and there’s nothing in this for me.
and i was right all along.
so right.
encouraged by the devil
to think there was better.
but there wasn’t.
and there isn’t.
not for me.
that all requires heft.
money,
power,
crookedness.
things i never have.
skip the chapters,,
they’re unimportant
as am i,
as am i,
as am i.
and here i am,
and i care no more.
i do to make others feel good.
and when they’re gone,
i think of them with disdain,
cause they just take from me,
and i am tired.
and with this new beginning,
i just don’t care.
cause i have done nothing wrong.
i have only been wronged.
and i care not about the god,
cause i don’t think he exists.
save for perhaps some cruelty
in which i have fear
of that drop of the other shoe.
i shall not pray,
save for my son,
and even that,
is only out of fear.
i have had everything taken,
im the fool of the dupe,
ive been tricked and left
to rot in this quagmire.
in a place i was never capable
of traversing.
and it has taken all i had left.
i no longer care about others.
and if they took from me
to ease their journey,
they need not my forgiveness,
cause i have nothing to give.
so i ask nothing
and i extend nothing.
and I will close my eyes
and move through the day,
where life is given,
only to those,
that have money
to pay.
im so not ok.
im glad its the end.
my resolutions are none.
i just must go.
i shed her completely
i hate that she existed
and when she goes
there will be
relief.
life is so hard
and im so soft.
and theres nothing in between,
shielding me
from its edges.
i slowly get
more scars
is all.
theres some comfort you know,
in memories.
a beauty unmatched in what is.
it behooves me to think though,
that if it didnt have to be,
then it just becomes mourning to me.
im so tired
im just so tired.
i keep repeating over and over
im just so tired.
i dont remember not being tired
and i cant imagine any amount of sleep will cure this.
im so tired.
so terribly tired.
i almost cried in a store before
cause im so tired it just hurts.
i need so much rest in so many ways.
my eyes hurt
my head hurts
my skin hurts
my soul hurts.
everything is wrong and the ache is so deep
and im just so tired
im just so tired.
i need the world to stop.
i just cant anymore.
i just cant.
i wonder if you can offer a half a heart..
or perhaps,
you just say nothing at all.
