lifeofawillow

if i could die tonight i would.

there’s just nothing left.

and i only have pain.

and i want nothing ever anymore.

and im happy for no one

though i say that i am

i am thoroughly bitter

and want nothing

ever


except to be alone

anymore.

i feel ive been hit by a bus.

beaten up in ways unexplainable.

torn to shreds over nothing much

except for the lack

of who i am…

if i went now

no one would understand.

even were i to write-

a full sequence

of life events

up until

this cruel moment

of my undoing-

it still would go

unheard.

cause people hear

what they want to hear

and people see

what they want to see

and all ive felt,

in all this time,

would be squandered

on people that have

their own version

of a history not their own.

and so

these are notes..

hard to decipher perhaps,

but here.

if anyone cares

for truth

at all.

its time to say goodbye to this.

at least for now.

thank you for reading.

youve been loyal and curious

and that makes for great readers.

i bow.

thank you.

i have so much pain.

i think its inevitable.

the pain.

it like someone ripped my skin off

and whats underneath,

is unrecognizable..

The value has been stripped away,

by the intent of those

that i was simply unimportant to.

its ok though,

you see,

i no longer recognize myself.

not at all.

at all.

at all.

they filled their tanks

and filed their tasks.

and the girl who was,

just isnt.

anymore.

in ever dulling

flattened sphere

lives peace

and breath

at coloured peak

it’s amazing

the things I don’t care about

anymore.

im so tired.

and just want to sleep.

thats all.

i have not made it through ok.
it did not work out.
i did not
for all intents and purposes
survive.
and you know what?
it just is what it is.
i was so often right.
that others have it easier.
that they will walk away.
and that i,
i will carry the weight of the death
and the burden of proof
and simply add it
to my already uncarryable load.
and as i get ever more weighed down
and crumple
under my own impossible life
i will watch and know
that i was duped and destroyed
by my own stupidity at best.
may they suffer in their lies.
i have no more kindness to give.
they stole it
and there wasn’t enough of me left
to reproduce the cells
of anything good
again.
i have no power.
the little i had was in naive goodness
and look where that all got me.
i give what’s left
to the devil now.
godspeed
and good luck.
may there be no one
to mourn you.
ever.

It was a hard day.
I’m falling asleep.
It’s been a hard week.
I’ve not had much time for anything. There’s a lot on me.
People are nasty.
And you know what?
I want to be rid of all of them.
I wish I could hurt them But I can’t.
The most I can do is leave.
With nothing good to say of them ever.
It’s an unfair world.
With an unfair god.
And I look at their pictures and resent so much.
I’m trying to disconnect in general.
Not be involved.
Not be part of.
Its hard not to be a fool
When you’re covering yourself up
To avoid them hurting you.
I hate them all.
So much.
I have a list of people I’d like to hurt.
I was never that person.
But it’s just too much.
Screw you.
Pathetic selfish shallow nothing.
And screw me.
Alone and stupid.
So so so stupid.
I live in humiliation.
In defeat.
You won.
You all won.