lifeofawillow

i dont like feeling like this.

this exhausted,

worn,

worked

rag,

whos doing good,

but somehow

is never,

good

enough.

sometimes things happen

that make me think

and feel

and miss

so much.

and if only

it was simply

a remembrance,

it might be ok.

but its tainted

with love..

each and every

time.

i ate reeses pieces tonight.

after i had another panic attack.

i dont know what to do exactly.

i think its just a lot.

i feel like i need to sleep for a week.

and my energy is really weird.

like its bouncing off the wrong places.

i think theres another end to this string im holding,

but i dont know where it is anymore

so i have no idea

why anything is

the way that it is.

its all just crooked

and i just dont know how to come up for breath.

i just dont know.

not even one little bit.

im having a panic attack.

it just started.

i have no idea why.

sometimes i just wish,

that i could put myself

on pause.

im too skinny.

and i get scared.

and im really very alone.

and i dont know if thats gonna change.

i just want to go home.

i just want to go

home.

had a nightmare last night

i still cant shake it.

same result,

just disguised in coercion..

scared the hell out of me.

sometimes i feel absolutely powerless..

thats all.

i was just awoken

by a hand on my hip.

my right hip.

i had only just been waiting

to have my case heard.

they were trying others first

and i was waiting,

thinking,,

this,

this is really nuts.

i had been in an elevator

with his sister

and she was instructed to fix

his father’s ways.

and i,

i was going to plead the case

somehow..

and as i waited

in the crowded basement,

with low ceilings

and fanatic crowd

dedicated to the man,

praising the messiah,

i was woken up suddenly.

by a hand

on my hip.

was my right hip.

i feel it still.