lifeofawillow

if only i had something to say.

but all i can do is wrap myself up tight

and battle against the chill.

and if you never saw me again

would that one time really make a difference?

theres either an always

or theres a never was

at least thats how it is

in my little ant farm

here

in hell.

you tapped me on the shoulder again,

like a knife to my center

so sharp.

and never do i feel as alone

as i did right then.

and I held onto that piece

of pointless plastic

and let tears slide

and shoulders heave

and didn’t even try

to catch my breath.

cause what’s the point?

if i can’t catch me?

after all,

only you,

could ever do, that.

thrown away

and kept

in an

e n d l e s s

circle

of stripping pain

and falling

in that insipid

tranquility

of death

like

petrified

wood

with nothing left

but holes

to be filled

by smoke

and dust

and more death

if that’s even

possible.

and that’s all

it was ever

meant

to be.

i cant sleep anymore.

its all too much

and i have no comfort

or hope

from anywhere.

so my body drifts

and my mind keeps

its worries

and my soul

just wanders

as i think it always

may.

and the endless words

and streams of thought

that i used to place

where i thought

they belonged

just whirl inside

till they make me crazy

or leak out

where they never

should.

so here i lay

in this terrible light

with these lousy words

not enough.

and i feel im

being laughed at

or getting my dues

cause i dared to reach

for what could never be mine.

and in this laughing light

i know im not worthy

and it was always just me

in that dream.

im in this in between place today

im hurting so much

and i have nowhere to put that pain.

and i am sad

and alone

and don’t want to talk to anybody

and i don’t want to see people

and im angry at life

and i keep just wanting

to crawl under the covers

and hide

and sometimes i do

but mostly I just bleed

and hope that nobody notices

the death trail of blood

in my wake

cause then

id probably have to talk to them

and I don’t want to

talk to anyone

anymore

ever.

im so tired

and sad

and i woke up

alone

and every day is a battle

and i made stupid mistakes

and i want to stop wanting

i need to stop wanting

i wish i didn’t know

i wish the impossible

was possible

i hate this feeling

i hate being weak

i hate being small

i hate being me

because i

am incomplete.

i know that now.

and so i am so

deeply

deeply

sad.