i don’t even think i have it anymore
and here you are
wanting to take it.
go home little boy
and play with your doll
leave me be
with my simple soul
that feels too much
and can’t let go.
go.
i don’t even think i have it anymore
and here you are
wanting to take it.
go home little boy
and play with your doll
leave me be
with my simple soul
that feels too much
and can’t let go.
go.
sick of being second
never being first
starving for mere morsels
while dying of near thirst
given no firm grounding
taking after hours
living in mere maybes
imprisoned in these bowers
huddled on the ground
awaiting your return
knowing if you do
you’re only there to burn
die a little different
what’s the difference now
gave it all away
there really is no how
only matters when
or where they choose to be
cause only in their dreams,
do they remember me…
im sad.
possibly indelibly so.
ive hurt what i can’t
and regret every step.
i need to retrieve
but seem blind deaf and dumb.
mostly dumb.
so dumb.
ive repeated a tragedy
cause im nothing myself
and never did learn
how to breathe on my own.
im sad.
i am.
and don’t know how
to fix this mess.
i don’t know how
just don’t know
how.
I think we need to go.
As usual nothing worked
Because I trusted
Because nothing was up to me
Because the money wasn’t mine
The power never is
And the choices are always bad.
And I always choose
Based on some spiritual ideal
That doesn’t exist
And the people that judge
And say it does
And tell me to make my decisions
Aren’t in my shoes
And don’t have to live my life.
And it’s a hell of a lonely one.
And I’m just trying to do my best
With nothing to show for it ever
And what I have
I built,
they come to destroy
Because what I am
And what I can do
Is never good enough
For them.
And so I suffer.
We suffer.
But now it’s too much.
I’ve been lied to one time too many
In their quest to save me.
And it’s all crashing down
In a really bad way.
I have to go.
I know I must.
I don’t know how
But I have nothing else.
Nothing else at all.
nothing still
except the usual
nothing
and still
so even without
any me anymore
there’s never been anything
as still
as this nothing’s ever been
still.
i wonder if the loss of a person
really goes as unnoticed
as it seems.
if i could die tonight i would.
there’s just nothing left.
and i only have pain.
and i want nothing ever anymore.
and im happy for no one
though i say that i am
i am thoroughly bitter
and want nothing
ever
except to be alone
anymore.
i feel ive been hit by a bus.
beaten up in ways unexplainable.
torn to shreds over nothing much
except for the lack
of who i am…
if i went now
no one would understand.
even were i to write-
a full sequence
of life events
up until
this cruel moment
of my undoing-
it still would go
unheard.
cause people hear
what they want to hear
and people see
what they want to see
and all ive felt,
in all this time,
would be squandered
on people that have
their own version
of a history not their own.
and so
these are notes..
hard to decipher perhaps,
but here.
if anyone cares
for truth
at all.
its time to say goodbye to this.
at least for now.
thank you for reading.
youve been loyal and curious
and that makes for great readers.
i bow.
thank you.