hold on to the nights

i feel like im on a treadmill

that never stops…..

a drunken hamster

pedalling my little legs

as fast as i possibly can

while my tiny brain

sits in its cage

and i continue

to run.

and all around me,

are mirrors

and cackling

and noises that scare me

to hell..

and clowns

with painted faces

laugh

and lie

and lay down the law..

and i,

i try to reach

for the bars

of my prison,

only to realize,

theres nothing there,

at all.

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something.

theres nothing in the world that i like quite as much as this.

the cool breeze through the window,

as autumn slowly sets in..

the sweet navy of night

with the sound of rain outside..

a slight swell of wet in the air,

and me,

softly wrapped in a blanket,

in a home that i call, my own.

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rotting fish

its amazing

the lives ive lived.

none of them good

and i would not do any again.

there was a moment there,

where i had started to believe,

where i thought i had a chance,

where i was convinced

that i was wrong.

when something was shown to me

and i believed.

and then it went dark.

and i was alone.

in an impossible space.

with nothing and no one.

and i was less

than i had ever been.

and that, was hard to come by.

and life wore on,

cause that’s what it does.

and the bad kept happening

cause that’s what i get.

and the pain increased.

it’s only natural.

and i,

i was alone.

again.

in ways a girl should never be.

as always.

and it just was.

cause it’s all a lie really.

and there’s nothing in this for me.

and i was right all along.

so right.

encouraged by the devil

to think there was better.

but there wasn’t.

and there isn’t.

not for me.

that all requires heft.

money,

power,

crookedness.

things i never have.

skip the chapters,,

they’re unimportant

as am i,

as am i,

as am i.

and here i am,

and i care no more.

i do to make others feel good.

and when they’re gone,

i think of them with disdain,

cause they just take from me,

and i am tired.

and with this new beginning,

i just don’t care.

cause i have done nothing wrong.

i have only been wronged.

and i care not about the god,

cause i don’t think he exists.

save for perhaps some cruelty

in which i have fear

of that drop of the other shoe.

i shall not pray,

save for my son,

and even that,

is only out of fear.

i have had everything taken,

im the fool of the dupe,

ive been tricked and left

to rot in this quagmire.

in a place i was never capable

of traversing.

and it has taken all i had left.

i no longer care about others.

and if they took from me

to ease their journey,

they need not my forgiveness,

cause i have nothing to give.

so i ask nothing

and i extend nothing.

and I will close my eyes

and move through the day,

where life is given,

only to those,

that have money

to pay.

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shed the old

im so not ok.

im glad its the end.

my resolutions are none.

i just must go.

i shed her completely

i hate that she existed

and when she goes

there will be

relief.

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baby

life is so hard

and im so soft.

and theres nothing in between,

shielding me

from its edges.

i slowly get

more scars

is all.

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the autumnal flour.

theres some comfort you know,

in memories.

a beauty unmatched in what is.

it behooves me to think though,

that if it didnt have to be,

then it just becomes mourning to me.

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endless sleep

im so tired

im just so tired.

i keep repeating over and over

im just so tired.

i dont remember not being tired

and i cant imagine any amount of sleep will cure this.

im so tired.

so terribly tired.

i almost cried in a store before

cause im so tired it just hurts.

i need so much rest in so many ways.

my eyes hurt

my head hurts

my skin hurts

my soul hurts.

everything is wrong and the ache is so deep

and im just so tired

im just so tired.

i need the world to stop.

i just cant anymore.

i just cant.

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all in a love song.

i wonder if you can offer a half a heart..

or perhaps,

you just say nothing at all.

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oblivion

im so scared

and so tired.

so very

very

tired.

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exhausted spirit

im so tired.

i wonder if i wont

ever be.

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