lifeofawillow

I was in your arms.

and it was perfect.

small in big

hard against soft.

then i woke

and you were gone.

and i was alone.

forever.

there’s nothing crueler.

i’ll just wait here.

and either time will take me

or this pain will.

cause you won’t.

not ever.

and there’s nothing crueler

than that.

what’s the point?

i hadn’t had enough pain?

you needed to prove something to me?

that you win no matter what?

that they get off scott free,

and i

lay once again in the pile

of excrement that was planned

way before i ever showed up?

that i get the scarlet letter painted

on my back

and everyone crosses the street

lest they catch my low status?

so I walk alone,

and they move on,

into all the good this world provides.

and i,

i sit

and mourn the impossible

possibility

that never existed for me

in the first place.

cause after all,

whatever the reason is for all this,

i am just a dirty pawn

on the wrong side

of a filthy world.

Amen.

we breathe the same air.

at least

theres that.

like im shrinking

in solitude

with the misunderstanding

of all the basics

of who i am

by all those

that should know

at least

the basics

of me.

and the lack of hand in mine,

the lack of heart or thought

posts again,

nearly dead

assumptions

of what i never was..

and yet here i am,

just what i always was.

which is useless

and painful,

if no one can ever

see me.

that’s all.

if it rained

what i felt

with each breath i took,

the earth would

be devoid

of life-

and the very

grass

that lies

as cover

would harden

and turn

to fuel.

if the ground

could swallow

all that

is kept

in each

plodding

footstep

of mine,-

it would

cease to be

fertile,

and spew

fiery death,

upon

every seed

ever sewn.

-and if the sun

could see,

the death

it brings

when it moves

the fog

away,

the greatest star

would burn up

from inside

and all

would go black

in a night.

and water;

-if water

could hear

the cries

and

the moans

of she who’s meant

to bear life,

its flowing

would cease,

and the rain

would still,

and the world

would drown

in a breath.

and that broken world,,

the new

and the old,

where i

am forced now

to be,

by rules not my own,

by decisions not mine,

by those cruelties

that nature

revealed…

so lay i here,

in dizzied tears

of all that is lost

and love found

lay buried in ashes

in that world

that lies broken

by the useless love planted

in you.

not love

not loyalty

not someones heart

not someones life

not ever a want

strong enough

that i am ever

it.

my worth can be counted

in the invisibility

of that.

or,

maybe,

in the swing of a belt

or the undoing of a buckle

or the scars on my skin

or the taking of

what wasnt theirs…….

or the ignorance

of my very being

in all these useless

years.

cause at the end,

if i wasnt worth

the hand to hold

or the eyes to look into

or the smile to grow

or the one to live for

to build that world with

and hold at night

then it all,

was never,

worth

anything,

at

all

and

i,

am

not,

even,

that.