lifeofawillow

i wake up like this sometimes.

sweat through,

head pounding,

checking,

dreaming,

gasping.

and i just wish,

fervently,

for end to come.

im ready.

to be honest,

i dont think i can do it.

im going to put my best foot forward

and try.

im bringing clothes for it,

and im going to just mask it all.

i think though,

the timing here was perfect.

i know the truth

and i know what i need

and i know,

that no matter how well i succeed

at this foolish game,

i just want

to be tucked away in a corner

with the one i match souls with

and talk,

about nothing really-

and laugh

about so much,

and have that feeling i havnt felt

in way too long,,

where the world is just right

and whatever my journey need be

is ok,

cause i get to have this.

and this,

is everything.

i have such a headache right now.

i cant stop my brain

from twisting itself into knots.

i dont know how to do this.

i cant breathe.

i cant breathe.

i

cant

breathe.

im tortured.

and for no good reason.

things don’t change,

not really.

i just allow for fantasy

when reality

is simply

always what it was.

and im scared for this future,

where i sell

to the highest bidder

cause i need a way out.

there’s little me left

in all this sadness anyway,

and whatever there is,

isn’t really worth all that much

in the first place.

if it was,

i wouldn’t be here.

this truth,

i know.

i can’t drop the sadness.

it’s eating me up alive.

i hate today.

i wish it wasn’t.

i wish i wasn’t.

that’s all.

i barely slept

everything is up in the air

and I’m so uncomfortable

with it all.

but i do want a hug,

so at least there’s that.

i feel ugly when I don’t sleep

and more often than not now,

in general.

the exhaustion is creeping back in again

and my day

hasn’t even begun.

so begins.

im panicking.

its midday and i have stuff I’m supposed to be doing.

but i don’t want to go,

so i don’t want to do.

and im cold.

so cold.

and tired,

like in the way that it hurts

to hold my head up.

but mostly im scared

and sad

and feel like im jumping

off a cliff.

and i am.

to hell.

where i lose the last vestiges

of me.

and everything else

that meant anything

ever.

i know it’s not very much,

and im holding onto nothing

that’s holding onto me,

but i still can’t help but feel,

like everything’s dying

all at once.

even though i know

it’s already dead,

and this is other people’s way

of keeping me

alive.

but i,

don’t want it.

not even

one

little

bit.