im angry
and im sad
and i can’t find the right words.
and im begining to believe them
that im just crazy.
cause i must be.
my desire to stop feeling this
is too intense
and the stories in my head
must be made up.
after all the wrong words
and all the stupid feelings
im just alone
and i can’t come back
from giving away
whatever little bit
i was.
i wish i could go back.
i wish i could unfeel
i wish i could be where i was
cause it was so much better
than this.
im on one side of a string pulling
and theres no one on the other end.
somewhere in the great forever,
is my love and honor
lost in a vortex
of nobody gives
a flying
f*&^
i wake up at night like this
so alone
shaking all over
scared of my thoughts
stuck in the nightmares
and not really knowing
where this world begins
and they end…
and i wish so much
i had my person
who i could hold on to
or who would have woken me
before it got so bad,
who would hold me
and my thoughts.
and all the horror
that i am
and just love me.
just love me.
that’s all.
it makes so much sense.
so much sense.
no one wants me.
no one ever did.
and all i am
is something
i
can never
be.
it doesn’t matter where i am
and that is the sad truth.
i think in some pathetic way
i felt i was something
cause i measured me
by you.
and i never really was anything else.
and now,
now im nothing.
and i know im nothing.
and even worse,
i know how stupid
and worthless
i am
cause i measured
myself
by that
which didn’t want me
at all.
what a fool.
what a fool.
what a fool.
so there’s this thing,
where adults think im a child
and children grab on to me
-sometimes quite literally.
and the adults aren’t wrong.
im small
and unsteady
and vulnerable
in a way i can’t seem to hide.
anymore…
and the children see one of them
i think,
or maybe they just know
i won’t hurt them
and that i still want to run
and play
and ill sit on the floor with them
and hold their sticky hands,
and laugh slightly louder
and hug just a bit tighter
and ill never make fun
cause like them
all i want
is just to be loved..
and maybe because
ive not been so fortunate,
i stay
and move slowly
and run
all at once,
forever frozen,
in time,
and now space
not my own,
waiting for those arms
to pull me in
and keep me
and hold me
just a bit tighter
than i ever thought comfortable,
but have come to desire
with all that i am..
but i picture those arms
and feel tinier than ever
knowing that im less
and disappearing more
with every day
in the wind
of willows fall.
