i think im dead. and that’s ok.

sad.

oh well.

it’s just what it is.

you choose to be.

you can choose not to be.

i have no luxury of choices.

go on a hunt

for a sweet sweet virgin..

let her bear your son

and tattoo your name

on her life.

i wanna beat the crap outta you.

i.

want choice.

screw everything.

im not soft anymore.

im just in pain.

always.

and it makes me a bit nuts.

but funny thing?

no one knows the difference…..

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perfect hell

i fell asleep.

i wasn’t supposed to

but I’m not feeling well.

i had a nightmare.

it shouldn’t have been bad,

but it was.

cause every dream of you

has turned

to rot.

and i wake up,

in hysterical

sadness.

and feel I can’t budge

or think

or breathe.

and then i just stumble

back into

the haze…

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no rest. ever.

friday night

i took what i could

to hasten sleep

and dull my pain.

it didnt work.

i poured a glass of red wine

which i know will give me a headache

but works so much better

and quicker

than anything else…

and when it started to,

all i could do

was cry.

and cry,

and cry,

and cry.

and i felt like an idiot.

standing in this place,

where i was supposed

to succeed even a little,

but have only managed to fail

a lot,

and i was lonelier than i think

a person can feel,

and there was a whole night ahead,

and i was just alone,

and i couldnt do anything,

and i just wanted my father.

i wanted to be held.

and loved.

and no one else

does

and i dont like myself.

Anymore.

not enough to be stuck like that

for a whole silent night.

and all i could do was cry.

hard.

loud.

i thought my nasty devil spawn neighbor

would knock on my wall,

but at no point did i think

that god would hear me.

even,

when i called his name.

im just alone.

its the simple truth

in how i feel now.

anything else,

has been

summarily

stripped

from my heart.

i broke.

im not the same anymore.

even,

when

i cry.

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undesired.

i cant stand any of them.

i think i just made someone cry.

i have little rope to spare,

im busy hanging myself on it…

there is no end to the amount of stupidity

that is for sale,

no limit to the amount of lewd come-ons

a man has in his sheath.

and man, if i wasnt drunk now,

i would cry.

i am so ill fitted to everyone

and everything,

its almost funny.

or would be-

if i had a sense of humor.

i think i was just really mean to someone.

and i dont care.

he was an idiot,

looking for a skinny wife.

go fuck yourself you stupid loser.

youre certainly not getting me.

im going to drink some more.

cause i know the truth.

you,

and all those other losers,

may like my picture..

but i,

i am nothing.

nothing at all..

 

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mercy

i can’t stop crying.

i took another.

nothing works anymore.

i can’t take a breath that doesn’t pain me.

I.

am disposable.

that is something I don’t think

i will ever

get over.

i am to be used,

tricked

cajoled

lied to.

i am but a slave girl.

to be worked

and raped

but never

loved.

i live in a society

that i can never fit in.

i live with a people

that spits me out.

i am tired.

i am beat.

i am ruined.

i am nothing.

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death knell

im so sad.

and im angry.

i know im angry,

but i dont get to be that.

i have to smile for my child,

and i have to function

cause its all there is,

and i have to ignore my pain

almost all the time

because theres really no point

to any of it

anyway…

i dont get to be.

i dont get to yell.

i dont even get to say

what i really feel.

cause its not about me.

and i dont make the choices.

i dont pull the plug.

i dont stop trying.

i

dont stop

showing up.

-but i want to cry

and i want to yell,

and i want to hurt myself so badly

that there will be marks,

forever.

and maybe im on my way,

but it doesnt seem enough.

i need to be swallowed,

disappeared,

crumbled like bones

as insignificant ash,

to be left forever,

and tipped over by mistake,

in rusted urn,

as a heart no one knew

that never really mattered

at all.

and you know,

none of this makes sense.

its all there,

not here.

here is just me,

and no one knows who i am,

that is true,

and no one hears my screams,

thats true too,

and no one ever,

ever-

sees my tears.

cause thats not allowed.

and no one else gets close enough

to feel me shake.

its too much pain.

too much anguish.

too much abandonment.

too much life.

as so it is

for me.

 

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stupid soup and other scary shit.

im struggling like mad here.

im making lots of mistakes.

im hurting myself constantly.

im scared as all get out.

theyre all too close.

im waaay too stupid.

they know they can take advantage

i know that they do.

i can sit in the ER

for a night,

and wonder why i didnt just stay,

in the morning.

the pressure is monumental,

the fright is way too much,

there is less than nothing

in my control,

and i hate my body

a little more

every day.

if i could throw myself onto the pyre

i would.

if i could take back all my softness-

that too.

but more than anything,

i just want to be in dream,

where the new passwords

arent old habits,

and where old habits

didnt kill you.

if one could measure me

in stupidity,,,

theyd finally have something

of weight.

 

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