im angry

and im sad

and i can’t find the right words.

and im begining to believe them

that im just crazy.

cause i must be.

my desire to stop feeling this

is too intense

and the stories in my head

must be made up.

after all the wrong words

and all the stupid feelings

im just alone

and i can’t come back

from giving away

whatever little bit

i was.

i wish i could go back.

i wish i could unfeel

i wish i could be where i was

cause it was so much better

than this.

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i know.

im on one side of a string pulling

and theres no one on the other end.

somewhere in the great forever,

is my love and honor

lost in a vortex

of nobody gives

a flying

f*&^

 

 

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penguin

i wake up at night like this

so alone

shaking all over

scared of my thoughts

stuck in the nightmares

and not really knowing

where this world begins

and they end…

and i wish so much

i had my person

who i could hold on to

or who would have woken me

before it got so bad,

who would hold me

and my thoughts.

and all the horror

that i am

and just love me.

just love me.

that’s all.

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it makes so much sense.

so much sense.

no one wants me.

no one ever did.

and all i am

is something

i

can never

be.

 

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truth and death.

it doesn’t matter where i am

and that is the sad truth.

i think in some pathetic way

i felt i was something

cause i measured me

by you.

and i never really was anything else.

and now,

now im nothing.

and i know im nothing.

and even worse,

i know how stupid

and worthless

i am

cause i measured

myself

by that

which didn’t want me

at all.

what a fool.

what a fool.

what a fool.

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rowing in circles

so there’s this thing,

where adults think im a child

and children grab on to me

-sometimes quite literally.

and the adults aren’t wrong.

im small

and unsteady

and vulnerable

in a way i can’t seem to hide.

anymore…

and the children see one of them

i think,

or maybe they just know

i won’t hurt them

and that i still want to run

and play

and ill sit on the floor with them

and hold their sticky hands,

and laugh slightly louder

and hug just a bit tighter

and ill never make fun

cause like them

all i want

is just to be loved..

and maybe because

ive not been so fortunate,

i stay

and move slowly

and run

all at once,

forever frozen,

in time,

and now space

not my own,

waiting for those arms

to pull me in

and keep me

and hold me

just a bit tighter

than i ever thought comfortable,

but have come to desire

with all that i am..

but i picture those arms

and feel tinier than ever

knowing that im less

and disappearing more

with every day

in the wind

of willows fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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