sad.
oh well.
it’s just what it is.
you choose to be.
you can choose not to be.
i have no luxury of choices.
go on a hunt
for a sweet sweet virgin..
let her bear your son
and tattoo your name
on her life.
i wanna beat the crap outta you.
i.
want choice.
screw everything.
im not soft anymore.
im just in pain.
always.
and it makes me a bit nuts.
but funny thing?
no one knows the difference…..
i fell asleep.
i wasn’t supposed to
but I’m not feeling well.
i had a nightmare.
it shouldn’t have been bad,
but it was.
cause every dream of you
has turned
to rot.
and i wake up,
in hysterical
sadness.
and feel I can’t budge
or think
or breathe.
and then i just stumble
back into
the haze…
friday night
i took what i could
to hasten sleep
and dull my pain.
it didnt work.
i poured a glass of red wine
which i know will give me a headache
but works so much better
and quicker
than anything else…
and when it started to,
all i could do
was cry.
and cry,
and cry,
and cry.
and i felt like an idiot.
standing in this place,
where i was supposed
to succeed even a little,
but have only managed to fail
a lot,
and i was lonelier than i think
a person can feel,
and there was a whole night ahead,
and i was just alone,
and i couldnt do anything,
and i just wanted my father.
i wanted to be held.
and loved.
and no one else
does
and i dont like myself.
Anymore.
not enough to be stuck like that
for a whole silent night.
and all i could do was cry.
hard.
loud.
i thought my nasty devil spawn neighbor
would knock on my wall,
but at no point did i think
that god would hear me.
even,
when i called his name.
im just alone.
its the simple truth
in how i feel now.
anything else,
has been
summarily
stripped
from my heart.
i broke.
im not the same anymore.
even,
when
i cry.
i cant stand any of them.
i think i just made someone cry.
i have little rope to spare,
im busy hanging myself on it…
there is no end to the amount of stupidity
that is for sale,
no limit to the amount of lewd come-ons
a man has in his sheath.
and man, if i wasnt drunk now,
i would cry.
i am so ill fitted to everyone
and everything,
its almost funny.
or would be-
if i had a sense of humor.
i think i was just really mean to someone.
and i dont care.
he was an idiot,
looking for a skinny wife.
go fuck yourself you stupid loser.
youre certainly not getting me.
im going to drink some more.
cause i know the truth.
you,
and all those other losers,
may like my picture..
but i,
i am nothing.
nothing at all..
i can’t stop crying.
i took another.
nothing works anymore.
i can’t take a breath that doesn’t pain me.
I.
am disposable.
that is something I don’t think
i will ever
get over.
i am to be used,
tricked
cajoled
lied to.
i am but a slave girl.
to be worked
and raped
but never
loved.
i live in a society
that i can never fit in.
i live with a people
that spits me out.
i am tired.
i am beat.
i am ruined.
i am nothing.
im so sad.
and im angry.
i know im angry,
but i dont get to be that.
i have to smile for my child,
and i have to function
cause its all there is,
and i have to ignore my pain
almost all the time
because theres really no point
to any of it
anyway…
i dont get to be.
i dont get to yell.
i dont even get to say
what i really feel.
cause its not about me.
and i dont make the choices.
i dont pull the plug.
i dont stop trying.
i
dont stop
showing up.
-but i want to cry
and i want to yell,
and i want to hurt myself so badly
that there will be marks,
forever.
and maybe im on my way,
but it doesnt seem enough.
i need to be swallowed,
disappeared,
crumbled like bones
as insignificant ash,
to be left forever,
and tipped over by mistake,
in rusted urn,
as a heart no one knew
that never really mattered
at all.
and you know,
none of this makes sense.
its all there,
not here.
here is just me,
and no one knows who i am,
that is true,
and no one hears my screams,
thats true too,
and no one ever,
ever-
sees my tears.
cause thats not allowed.
and no one else gets close enough
to feel me shake.
its too much pain.
too much anguish.
too much abandonment.
too much life.
as so it is
for me.
im struggling like mad here.
im making lots of mistakes.
im hurting myself constantly.
im scared as all get out.
theyre all too close.
im waaay too stupid.
they know they can take advantage
i know that they do.
i can sit in the ER
for a night,
and wonder why i didnt just stay,
in the morning.
the pressure is monumental,
the fright is way too much,
there is less than nothing
in my control,
and i hate my body
a little more
every day.
if i could throw myself onto the pyre
i would.
if i could take back all my softness-
that too.
but more than anything,
i just want to be in dream,
where the new passwords
arent old habits,
and where old habits
didnt kill you.
if one could measure me
in stupidity,,,
theyd finally have something
of weight.
