im not old enough for this.

i dont know how to carry it all.

im too quiet for my own good.

and either its noticed

or its not.

and neither really works.

cause what really is there to say?

so mostly i just cry alone.

cause i am alone.

look around

just look.

its still just me.

and i fill out the forms

and i answer the questions

and i raise my boy

and i keep track of dollars

and try so hard to eat

and attempt to feel myself

if only for a breath

but its been so long

ive forgotten how to sleep

and i look around and see nothing but the blank air i know

and i know it all too well.

cause nothing is real

if its not really there.

no matter how much i want it

or how right it feels.

im still here

juggling the whole goddamn circus

getting on my knees

to clean up

the inevitable spill.

and here i am still

with dirty knees

and bruises

and burns

and not enough tears

cause who has the time for that?

except when my breath catches and i make the mistake

of looking ahead

and realize

that i

am still

alone.

and thats more scary now

than ever before.