its amazing

the lives ive lived.

none of them good

and i would not do any again.

there was a moment there,

where i had started to believe,

where i thought i had a chance,

where i was convinced

that i was wrong.

when something was shown to me

and i believed.

and then it went dark.

and i was alone.

in an impossible space.

with nothing and no one.

and i was less

than i had ever been.

and that, was hard to come by.

and life wore on,

cause that’s what it does.

and the bad kept happening

cause that’s what i get.

and the pain increased.

it’s only natural.

and i,

i was alone.

again.

in ways a girl should never be.

as always.

and it just was.

cause it’s all a lie really.

and there’s nothing in this for me.

and i was right all along.

so right.

encouraged by the devil

to think there was better.

but there wasn’t.

and there isn’t.

not for me.

that all requires heft.

money,

power,

crookedness.

things i never have.

skip the chapters,,

they’re unimportant

as am i,

as am i,

as am i.

and here i am,

and i care no more.

i do to make others feel good.

and when they’re gone,

i think of them with disdain,

cause they just take from me,

and i am tired.

and with this new beginning,

i just don’t care.

cause i have done nothing wrong.

i have only been wronged.

and i care not about the god,

cause i don’t think he exists.

save for perhaps some cruelty

in which i have fear

of that drop of the other shoe.

i shall not pray,

save for my son,

and even that,

is only out of fear.

i have had everything taken,

im the fool of the dupe,

ive been tricked and left

to rot in this quagmire.

in a place i was never capable

of traversing.

and it has taken all i had left.

i no longer care about others.

and if they took from me

to ease their journey,

they need not my forgiveness,

cause i have nothing to give.

so i ask nothing

and i extend nothing.

and I will close my eyes

and move through the day,

where life is given,

only to those,

that have money

to pay.