they were in my dream last night.

her specifically but all of them really.

i think its because of the month.

he was supposed to meet me there.

there was pandering.

like there was.

i was patronized.

like i am.

it was all so empty

and frightening

and lost.

i remember a bus

and a car

and lots of those stupid hats with print on them-

cause im the sinner

im the one who doesnt get it

im the one

whos not enough.

im the bad

and the reason

for the bad.

and i left her smiling

and with him

doing a kindness for my grandmother

to dye it all

and make it all just look right.

i cant be forever haunted.

its unlivable really.

the thought of telling someone else is frightening.

what if they too dont support me?

dont understand.

just dont get the horror?

and it is horror.

it is.

id like to be free of it

and i dont think i ever will.

this little cruel detour told me that.

i live in satans world of trickery.

and g-d-

g-d is only there in my dreams.

and look where that got me.

just look at that…