where is gd anyway?

im not sure i believe anymore.

i have asked for so much

and received so little.

and what i get, i am given begrudgingly.

i must beg

and grovel

if only to hold on to it.

and in doing so,

i am told i am crazy,

a liar,

worth only what people need from me

and never one ounce more.

i have been more humbled than most,

and ive never grown an ego,

-only to survive is all.

only to survive.

i have thought,

i am here for a reason.

he made me, didn’t he?

so i must fight.

i must.

right?

that fight though,

that fight is what leads people to think-

she’s crazy,

so unhinged.

uneven,

not to be believed.

why, she’s hysterical,

we don’t need her.

Until they do.

and then im to be used.

tread upon,

pandered to.

and discounted once more.

and i am alone.

always alone.

without understanding,

without love,

without anything to show

for my efforts.

except a trail

of lucky people

filled with life

and success,

with me

as their maid.

there is no gd.

there can’t be.

for if so,

he is cruel.

and how could that be?

my simple self

just can’t understand.

how can that be?

and yet,

i continue to pray.

because im stupid.

above all else.

and i just need something

to hold on to.

so that maybe today,

the ship won’t sink.

while i paddle with my hands

and whisper words

of complete nonsense.

please.

just please.