it’s early morning

and im only half awake,

i dreamt weird dreams last night

again.

i think im processing things

in my sleep

cause ive no time to

while awake..

there used to be a dance uniform store

downtown

and it had a sign in the window

“put your best foot forward”

i think of that sometimes

cause all i keep doing

is just putting the one

in front of

the other.

i know i don’t have choices

and that makes things very hard

i know i have no control

though people don’t understand why not,

i wish i could explain

that being able to make a cake

or look nice in a dress

don’t a life make…

i feel so deeply ugly these days

that i am truly surprised if anyone says anything different

as i feel i just always look so tired

so worn

and just old

and worthless.

im off today

to do more grunt work

and ill come back to the same

where i’ll prepare

yet another weekend i don’t want

for people i don’t want to be with

for reasons i no longer understand.

maybe i just don’t want to disappoint

or maybe its somewhere inside,

but anything inside

is just a wee bit hard

to get to these days.

if it’s there anymore

at all.