im not here anymore.

i did what i need to.

for tonight.

i always have to smile.

and nod.

and do all the things

for all the people.

but i have nothing of my own.

and ive been hurt.

so badly i no longer breathe.

forget the gray hair.

those started at 13.

my mother .

thats all.

so theres more now.

who the hell cares.

i get headaches for days on end.

im nauseous.

i cant eat.

i feel always

like the trash that i am.

it will never be ok.

i imagine myself

standing there in the garden

in my jeans.

with a beautiful baby.

i was tough

i was hard.

i hadnt much femininity.

but i was ok.

I

WAS

O

K

!!!!!!

and i was stupid.

so stupid.

i always remember myself there.

and i just want it back.

now i have nothing.

but this stupid girl heart

that feels too much.

and the eternal hurt of having been duped.

and taken

for all i was worth.

literally

all of it.

was it worth it?

hmm?

im going to walk off the cliff.

i will.

i am more tempted each time.

take a picture of my feet going down

with your name on my lips.

and nothing

to lose.