so many changes.

none of them good.

well maybe one.

but who the hell knows.

i wish i believed in something.

anything.

cause this is all just becoming

more and more meaningless

as the days go by

and the pain grows deeper.

there never are choices.

not real ones.

not good ones.

i am always choosing the bad

from the worse.

i hate the god

that gives me this pain.

over

and

over

and

over.

i trust no one

and find that people that i thought had worth

have none at all

and are simply good advertisements

for themselves.

cameos

for the sake of looking good…

i think im the only one like me.

im surrounded by fake piousness.

everyone wants a piece of me

and i become more acutely aware

that this is my worth

and that is why they give.

im in the oldest profession in the world

already.

they just are too narcissistic to see that they are paying

and i am too desperate to feel anything at all.

if i had a way to tell the people that have hurt me what it’s done,

in a way that would ruin them,

i would.

i no longer care to protect others

or be godly.

i want to see them writhe in pain.

i want them to know what they’ve done.

i know.

i know it’s just a game to them

and i was disposable

and they lie and use my stupidity against me.

i know i pick up on it all too late

always.

i know i was lied to

cause it worked in a fairy tale

and it worked in their world.

ultimately, i am not loved.

nor was i.

and why would i be?

ive come to realize my lack

of intelligence

of usefulness

of being.

i really really really wish

my mother had killed me

all those times

she had the chance.

maybe

She still can.

id like the chance

to haunt a few people

in the most terrible way

forever.

at this point,

that,

is all i have.