someone thought i was a kid again tonight.

and i feel like one so often.

but it wasnt when i was stomping on the ice crusted snow

that it felt like that.

thats just me,

thats just normal.

it was when i was on the phone with the people i didnt understand

or when i was alone in the basement

or trying to comfort my child

but was really just a mirror to his fears…

i dont know why g-d keeps me looking like this.

my father thinks its because i have this other life thats supposed to happen,

but  im just scared.

and small.

and have been so abandoned.

and im so sad theres not a word for it anymore.

i wish my mother

had landed a blow

so hard

that i died.

instead,

im a perpetual child,

with no one to love me,

and an empty womb

with no one to hold me.

and the hand i need

isnt open to me.

and i cant do it anymore.

ive been trying so hard,

pretending.

but im just a child,

wanting adult things

and still unworthy

of love.