the truth is,

im too overwhelmed.

by everything.

and yet,

im supposed to be making inroads

to a new and different life.

but its hard.

and it opens me up to all kinds of things,

that i dont know how to handle.

i hope im gracious mostly,

but when its done,

the talking

the texting

the trying..

im just such a huge mess.

and i dont know

how to be anything else.

more and more,

i find that im describing myself

as uptight

and anxious,

high strung,

too rational,

and i think,

but dont say,

devoid

of any

emotion.

other than sadness.

of that,

i have plenty to spare.

i dont know how to get out of this hole…

and theres all these hands reaching

but none that i want

going to no place good

and with such crass force

that i cant keep the bile down.

and its burning holes through me.

and i miss being hugged.

and i miss being appreciated.

and i miss being me.

im so sad.

and im so bad at pretending.

and most of the time i dont.

and thats really scary.

but when i do,

that-

that is way way way

more frightening.

i dont know why any of this is.

and i dont know what to do.

and i desperately need.

and i dont see anymore.

i just feel

pain.

all the time.

always.

in all ways.