im so sad.

and im angry.

i know im angry,

but i dont get to be that.

i have to smile for my child,

and i have to function

cause its all there is,

and i have to ignore my pain

almost all the time

because theres really no point

to any of it

anyway…

i dont get to be.

i dont get to yell.

i dont even get to say

what i really feel.

cause its not about me.

and i dont make the choices.

i dont pull the plug.

i dont stop trying.

i

dont stop

showing up.

-but i want to cry

and i want to yell,

and i want to hurt myself so badly

that there will be marks,

forever.

and maybe im on my way,

but it doesnt seem enough.

i need to be swallowed,

disappeared,

crumbled like bones

as insignificant ash,

to be left forever,

and tipped over by mistake,

in rusted urn,

as a heart no one knew

that never really mattered

at all.

and you know,

none of this makes sense.

its all there,

not here.

here is just me,

and no one knows who i am,

that is true,

and no one hears my screams,

thats true too,

and no one ever,

ever-

sees my tears.

cause thats not allowed.

and no one else gets close enough

to feel me shake.

its too much pain.

too much anguish.

too much abandonment.

too much life.

as so it is

for me.