im so sad

and lonely

and all the trying in the world

isnt going

to unbreak my heart.

my nights are hell

and my days are endless

and i dont know whats next-

except that whatever it is,

is going to be some huge move

that finishes this chapter

forever.

and its coming quickly.

and the wheels are in motion.

the stage is set

and there are more actors

auditioning,

than there are slots

in the whole goddamn play.

and the stage will be far.

and the costs will be great.

and the girl that was,

wont be

anymore.

because she cant.

because she cant do both.

because she cant be

what was.

so here i sit,

temporarily

inhabiting this body

grappling with this mind

wrestling with this heart.

and its scary as hell.

ive been turning on lights,

soft ones,

to create shadows,

cause somehow,

that seems grounding to me.

like theres more than what meets the eye.

more than just

the object itself.

i stare at the tree.

this huge ridiculous tree.

that belongs in a jungle,

but is growing ever taller

in my living room.

and its leaves just about

touch the sky here..

and its shadow

is enormous.

and i,

i dont think,

i have one

at all.

i make no mark.

i cant trick light,

to find hope

in darkness.

im smaller than i ever was.

and i was never very great

to begin with.

and im supposed to become,

this crazy talented

actress.

this girl with a million dreams,

when all i ever wanted

is gone.