i dont get that scared that much anymore.
but i am now,
and im not sure why..
i dont know if its that feeling i have
that i wish i didnt,
or the fact that im hungry but dont want to eat,
or the chill that i cant get rid of,
or the phone call that i didnt get today
and that makes me feel kind of hysterical
because i cant do this alone…
maybe its the new,
the pressure that im putting on myself to go forth,
the voices i feel obligated to listen to,
the imaginings i dont want to have…
the words i must accept.
i dont know if its that everything is a mess
and i lose my footing when it is,
or that my skin is reacting
in a way thats freaking me out,
or that i feel no protection ever anymore
cause nobody knows anything ever..
my key didnt work.
and i feel hunted
and the flattery is frightening
and the lack of direction is petrifying
and the knowledge that its just me here
in charge of the most precious soul on the planet,,,
and im so not capable,
and so not ok,
and so so so scared,
and so not even a person.
and the thought of leaving my room right now
seems really really frightening.
and if i stay here,
ill dream again.
is even worse…