i don’t think i was ever enough.

living by the grace of others

with their help,

their allowance

their charity

their views…

i don’t think i was ever supposed to be

alone,

not because

i deserve companionship

but rather because

i can’t do it.

im not strong enough,

not savvy enough,

not smart enough,

just-

just not enough.

and my failures were real

and they never got fixed,

i never learnt how to fix them,

cause i couldn’t learn,

and i could never do better,

because i,

i wasn’t

better.

no i wasn’t.

no.

no i wasn’t.

what i was,

was brazen.

it’s what people remember

and still see

sometimes,

but it’s a vast coating

on an empty vessel.

and there’s nothing

to back it up,

-there never was,

it’s why it was so important

that i be kept.

and i,

i was too stupid to realize

that great truth

until it was

too late,

and now,

it makes me sick

and it makes me suffer

more than i can handle

because i was never strong,

i was simply beaten

into submission,

and brazen enough,

to think i ever held

any part

of that belt.

and to be honest,

it’s where i should be,

cause i can’t be out here alone,

i never could,

it never worked,

and now,

with stakes higher than ever,

it’s about time i see

what i really am

and bend over

when asked

because im not

anything

anything at all.

they were right.

and they still are.

and all i really know,

is that this

hurts more,

than the belt.