mercy

i can’t stop crying.

i took another.

nothing works anymore.

i can’t take a breath that doesn’t pain me.

I.

am disposable.

that is something I don’t think

i will ever

get over.

i am to be used,

tricked

cajoled

lied to.

i am but a slave girl.

to be worked

and raped

but never

loved.

i live in a society

that i can never fit in.

i live with a people

that spits me out.

i am tired.

i am beat.

i am ruined.

i am nothing.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

death knell

im so sad.

and im angry.

i know im angry,

but i dont get to be that.

i have to smile for my child,

and i have to function

cause its all there is,

and i have to ignore my pain

almost all the time

because theres really no point

to any of it

anyway…

i dont get to be.

i dont get to yell.

i dont even get to say

what i really feel.

cause its not about me.

and i dont make the choices.

i dont pull the plug.

i dont stop trying.

i

dont stop

showing up.

-but i want to cry

and i want to yell,

and i want to hurt myself so badly

that there will be marks,

forever.

and maybe im on my way,

but it doesnt seem enough.

i need to be swallowed,

disappeared,

crumbled like bones

as insignificant ash,

to be left forever,

and tipped over by mistake,

in rusted urn,

as a heart no one knew

that never really mattered

at all.

and you know,

none of this makes sense.

its all there,

not here.

here is just me,

and no one knows who i am,

that is true,

and no one hears my screams,

thats true too,

and no one ever,

ever-

sees my tears.

cause thats not allowed.

and no one else gets close enough

to feel me shake.

its too much pain.

too much anguish.

too much abandonment.

too much life.

as so it is

for me.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

stupid soup and other scary shit.

im struggling like mad here.

im making lots of mistakes.

im hurting myself constantly.

im scared as all get out.

theyre all too close.

im waaay too stupid.

they know they can take advantage

i know that they do.

i can sit in the ER

for a night,

and wonder why i didnt just stay,

in the morning.

the pressure is monumental,

the fright is way too much,

there is less than nothing

in my control,

and i hate my body

a little more

every day.

if i could throw myself onto the pyre

i would.

if i could take back all my softness-

that too.

but more than anything,

i just want to be in dream,

where the new passwords

arent old habits,

and where old habits

didnt kill you.

if one could measure me

in stupidity,,,

theyd finally have something

of weight.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

off to market, a real bargain, i promise.

im so weak.

a broken frond,

attached to nothing.

my head is swimming,

and i don’t know

if it’s from being up all night,

or if this is just me now.

they say it’s not normal

to deal with all this stuff,

and i believe them,

but it’s my life..

they say i need a man

or love

or just another set of hands,

to hold,

support..

and all that might indeed

be true-

but id still be stuck with me.

and me just isn’t worth

enough.

i have learnt great truth here.

and it’s pretty basic math,

and im a pretty simple girl,

but if im not worth keeping-

then thats pretty universal.

unless of course,

im someone else.

and if i have to paint my nails

or be stupid

i will.

its not like i have

to give up on my dreams,

theyre already gone,,

from there,

it was easy.

easier at least.

you cant wake the dead.

but you can make new life.

all you got to do

is sell the damn cow.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

half blood.

each day

i think

of what else

i can share

to make me

more accessible,

less private,

more available,

less yours.

my goal

is complete removal

of anything you.

really, most things me as well.

if nothing is shared

alone,

then there’s nothing special

about anything

huh?

but i find myself leaving out

small detail,

because then,

it still leaves

the sacred,

sacred.

if no one knows

the real recipe,

no one gets the real deal huh?

whatever.

i just want to be wanted

at this point.

the rest doesn’t really matter.

screw you

and your godawful

messed up

principles.

screw impossible wishes

borne of nothing more

than a self absorbed

narcissistic dreamer

who plants horrible thoughts

where apparently

life can bloom.

or so they say,

waiting in line

for a chance at planting,,

really,

for the so called honor

of owning

the alabaster garden.

decay away.

the less real

any of these trick feelings are

the better.

that’s all.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

drugged dame gone “boink”

it’s the perfect amount

‘cept my stomach hurts..

i don’t want to feel anymore

i want to stop hurting.

my eyes are closing

and im falling asleep

thinking all these new things,,

possibilities,

of lives

i don’t really want..

but I have to keep moving on,

i have to accept what’s offered,

because ive slowly been drowning here,

for two years,

and no one’s ever showed up.

and im drowning still.

dying at a clip.

killing myself harshly-

with those awful Words

playing loudly

in the background.

and I can’t win.

not at this.

i can’t even be

anymore.

so they’ll tell me

who they want,

they’ll tell me who i am,

and i’ll be that.

beause i,

have been completely

and utterly convinced

that there is no point

in being me.

i was seen.

i wasn’t wanted.

and that’s all.

and now, i seem to sell anyway,,

they don’t care about any of it.

but im in a race

for a lifelong lie now..

and i,

i have the smallest of inklings yet…

that i,

don’t win

ever.

Posted in Uncategorized

catatonic

up by fright

at four a.m.

no place to go

from there,

huddled by self

in tolls of hell

Still dreams of ghosts

live here…

so sit i still

with book in hand

perhaps others words

dulls real,

try in vain

to seek cocoon,

alone.

on rolling wheel..

and in this rise

of newborn sun

for hours

peel away,

sit i stilled deep

in statued fear

and dread the light

of day…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment