lifeofawillow

im so tired

and hate this life so much.

im overwhelmed

and so so sad.

i want to want things

but i dont have the energy to.

not an opportunity is missed

to put me in my place.

and what a damn sucky place

that is.

i am so deeply sad.

this loneliness is horrifying.

i dont know how

to spread myself

in a way that receives

at all.

im shakey again

and forget how much i hate

looking in the mirror.

i need sleep

but my brain never stops whirring.

and my heart never stops

screaming.

im not cut out to be like this.

im meant to be cultivated,

loved,

kept,

held,

in loving hands

and loving heart..

busy often

tired often,

but happy always.

in request of seed,

in need of rain

appreciating the sun

but moistening my roots

at night.

i am not meant

to wither

like this.

im so tired.
im trying not not slip
but my life is a slippery surface sometimes
and i don’t have much to hold on to.
my head is spinning.
and i need to see through the clouds
but all i can think
is that the clouds are reality
and everything else
gets lost
in their heaviness.
me included.

i dont know what to do with myself.

i dont fit.

no matter where it is

that i place myself.

i have little to give

and what i do is way too simple.

i have trouble connecting

and feel alone always.

i dont know why im so different,

but know that i always have been.

i dont see the world the way others do

and in truth,  i never ever want to.

im stuck right now,

between worlds and wishes,

dreams and reality,

goals and chores,

and im usually too tired to pick up the pace

enough to make it anywhere at all.

and when all is said and done,

i just want to be held

and loved

and wanted

forever.

the problem is,

i also want

to be understood.

and that,

i know,

is just

too much.

im having all these dreams,

and you’re always there.

i don’t want you there.

go away.

stay away.

you’re good at that.

stupid ghost.

nothing but smoke and mirrors.

that’s all.

there’s no point anymore.

i know that now.

stupid girl.

that’s all.