lifeofawillow

I pressed from the inside

And all that I got

Was more of me

And I don’t want me

I want more than me

I miss you

And I love you

And I am so grateful

For all you are

And all you have given me.

You have given me life

And dreams.

And pressure

And maybe that’s why

When I press from inside

I only want to press harder

And give you

What you really

Really

Deserve.

Please gd

Give me strength

To give you life

Please

It’s everything good

I promise.

when half your life

is laid at stake

and winter never starts

cause all the leaves

in stilted time

refuse to leave their hearths.

and all you love

with all you are

says all you never said

in simple breaths

of gasping wounds

when lay you down to bed.

and little hand

now big in yours

holds tight

for fear of truth

as love is left

in deep regret

seen ever clear

in youth.

im not sure where she went

but its been a while,

sometimes i remember her-

in the haze

that cloaks my mind,

in the mirror

coated with fog..

but even then

i have trouble

recognizing

anything similar

at all.

perhaps its the smile

thats no longer there,

or the vague film

over her eyes,

or the soul that’s just

one or two

slim shards

that have cut her heart

all but out…

i don’t even think i have it anymore

and here you are

wanting to take it.

go home little boy

and play with your doll

leave me be

with my simple soul

that feels too much

and can’t let go.

go.

sick of being second

never being first

starving for mere morsels

while dying of near thirst

given no firm grounding

taking after hours

living in more maybes

imprisoned in these bowers

huddled on the ground

awaiting your return

knowing if you do

you’re only there to burn

die a little different

what’s the difference now

gave it all away

there really is no how

only matters when

or where they choose to be

cause only in their dreams,

do they remember me…

im sad.

possibly indelibly so.

ive hurt what i can’t

and regret every step.

i need to retrieve

but seem blind deaf and dumb.

mostly dumb.

so dumb.

ive repeated a tragedy

cause im nothing myself

and never did learn

how to breathe on my own.

im sad.

i am.

and don’t know how

to fix this mess.

i don’t know how

just don’t know

how.

I think we need to go.

As usual nothing worked

Because I trusted

Because nothing was up to me

Because the money wasn’t mine

The power never is

And the choices are always bad.

And I always choose

Based on some spiritual ideal

That doesn’t exist

And the people that judge

And say it does

And tell me to make my decisions

Aren’t in my shoes

And don’t have to live my life.

And it’s a hell of a lonely one.

And I’m just trying to do my best

With nothing to show for it ever

And what I have

I built,

they come to destroy

Because what I am

And what I can do

Is never good enough

For them.

And so I suffer.

We suffer.

But now it’s too much.

I’ve been lied to one time too many

In their quest to save me.

And it’s all crashing down

In a really bad way.

I have to go.

I know I must.

I don’t know how

But I have nothing else.

Nothing else at all.

nothing still
except the usual
nothing
and still
so even without
any me anymore
there’s never been anything
as still
as this nothing’s ever been
still.

i wonder if the loss of a person
really goes as unnoticed
as it seems.