lifeofawillow

i can’t sleep.

and my mind doesn’t stop.

i wonder if i’ll ever be able

to breathe again.

my feet are heavy

i am soft

my body is hurt

and i have just shrunken.

the silence is deafening

and the clouds are dull,

and thoughts get stuck in my throat

all the endless time.

i only talk about the woods now,

I never go.

everything’s different

and i am so weak.

my eyes feel sad,

my heart actually hurts,

i cry a lot

and i have no answers.

ive made uninformed decisions

and swept up the pieces myself,

they were mostly me anyway-

except for the ones i pray will heal.

this has taught me truths.

ugly ones.

and i wonder how long

before i mirror

just that.

i don’t really want anyone

to hold my hand.

i ignore calls

and hide in shroud.

i am still.

i am casted.

but for no good reason

at all.

i was looking for something

and i saw pictures

and scrolled by real fast

but then i saw words

and i had to read

and i heard you

and i heard me

or at least whoever we were then

and i miss us

and i miss you

and i miss me

and i-

im just

missing.

there’s so much I want to tell.

it’s falling into

a huge pile of things

that i just may never say.

i so badly needed to be away.

i needed the haze to clear

and to rest

just a bit

and to remember that

i need love

and care

and breath

and water

and gentle touch

and a voice i love

saying things

i understand…

kinda sounds like a flower-

but im not as pretty

nor nearly as sturdy

and flowers don’t write crap like this…

also, im kind of the wilting in the field

kind of flower.

and those just get looked at from afar,

and stepped on

and nibbled at

and then die-

but they make the ground richer

for the next guy..

yup.

still me.

i woke up super early this morning.

i tried the grass again.

-it was still wet.

i had a coffee.

which makes me shakey..

and some halvah,

which is full of sugar..

and smiled politely

at the interested glances

but went back to my room

on the terraced plateau-

got back into pajamas

cause its what i like best,

and watched a movie,

at 7 am.

and i laughed ,

and i cried,

and my feet were too cold,

which they usually are.

and my thoughts were suspended

for a moment in time,

and my mind shut up,

for a blessed second..

and then turned right back on.

so here i am,

writing,

typing,

thinking,

stayed.

its the rainy season.

and i,

for one,

am parched.

there was the most incredible storm.

lots and lots

of pelting rain-

muddy feet

from lack of adulting-

beautiful clouds

the perfect grey-

a covered sun

in great relief-

lighting streaked

such perfect lines-

wind that shook

my battered heart..

grass that stuck

between my toes-

little boy

with laughing joy,

and in that moment,

that was

enough.

you can’t give up on something

you’re not doing.

stop reading.

go to sleep

live your dream.

i’ll write till I don’t

and then it won’t matter anyway.

right now

im just bleeding

hard

all over the place

and i might always

but there’s nothing to be done

cause it’s just me

in this hell

and eventually

ill bleed out

and the words will stop

and there won’t be guilt

or exhaustion

or any other lackluster

emotion

and it will be ok.

and the world will resume

and there might be some fallout

but it won’t be you.

go to sleep.

it’ll just be.

cause you won’t,

no you won’t.

and that’ll just have to be

ok.