if i went now
no one would understand.
even were i to write-
a full sequence
of life events
up until
this cruel moment
of my undoing-
it still would go
unheard.
cause people hear
what they want to hear
and people see
what they want to see
and all ive felt,
in all this time,
would be squandered
on people that have
their own version
of a history not their own.
and so
these are notes..
hard to decipher perhaps,
but here.
if anyone cares
for truth
at all.
its time to say goodbye to this.
at least for now.
thank you for reading.
youve been loyal and curious
and that makes for great readers.
i bow.
thank you.
i have so much pain.
i think its inevitable.
the pain.
it like someone ripped my skin off
and whats underneath,
is unrecognizable..
The value has been stripped away,
by the intent of those
that i was simply unimportant to.
its ok though,
you see,
i no longer recognize myself.
not at all.
at all.
at all.
they filled their tanks
and filed their tasks.
and the girl who was,
just isnt.
anymore.
in ever dulling
flattened sphere
lives peace
and breath
at coloured peak
it’s amazing
the things I don’t care about
anymore.
i have not made it through ok.
it did not work out.
i did not
for all intents and purposes
survive.
and you know what?
it just is what it is.
i was so often right.
that others have it easier.
that they will walk away.
and that i,
i will carry the weight of the death
and the burden of proof
and simply add it
to my already uncarryable load.
and as i get ever more weighed down
and crumple
under my own impossible life
i will watch and know
that i was duped and destroyed
by my own stupidity at best.
may they suffer in their lies.
i have no more kindness to give.
they stole it
and there wasn’t enough of me left
to reproduce the cells
of anything good
again.
i have no power.
the little i had was in naive goodness
and look where that all got me.
i give what’s left
to the devil now.
godspeed
and good luck.
may there be no one
to mourn you.
ever.
It was a hard day.
I’m falling asleep.
It’s been a hard week.
I’ve not had much time for anything. There’s a lot on me.
People are nasty.
And you know what?
I want to be rid of all of them.
I wish I could hurt them But I can’t.
The most I can do is leave.
With nothing good to say of them ever.
It’s an unfair world.
With an unfair god.
And I look at their pictures And resent so Much.
I’m trying to disconnect in general.
Not be involved.
Not be part of.
Itss hard not to be a fool
When you’re covering yourself up
To avoid them hurting you.
I hate them all.
So much.
I have a list of people I’d like to hurt.
I was never that person.
But it’s just too much.
Screw you.
Pathetic selfish shallow nothing.
And screw me.
Alone and stupid.
So so so stupid.
I live in humiliation.
In defeat.
You won.
You all won.
i wish i wasnt so sensitive.
im always just so soft.
i didnt used to be.
i was too busy fighting.
but now,
i always am.
something was done to me
that cannot be undone.
and i,
im drowning in my softness..
cause theres no one here,
to pull me out.
theres no one with me
ever.
