lifeofawillow

im so sad.

i feel so much pressure.

imminent pressure.

places,

people,

feelings,

other peoples feelings..

ugh.

im so tired.

i dont like any of it.

im so exhausted.

im ready to stop.

i had this dream last night.

it shook me to my core.

i cant explain it

but it was so clear.

i knew where i was

i knew who i was with

and i knew why.

and i left.

i left because i had been sent away

and now,

now i couldnt stay.

but even as i did-

i felt this terrible pull,

this horrible knowledge..

and when i was home,

when i was where i was supposed to be-

and there was a man outside the door,

i knew that i had left

the one person

that made any difference

at all.

and there i was.

surrounded by poisons

by ghosts,

by shadows,

by an almost death

that would never be a life…

and i woke.

i woke, unable to breathe.

and my day-

my day disappeared.

into a torturous pain

that im fairly certain

is simply a part of me now.

i was only unable to ignore it

today..

as i have been.

every

single

day

since.

since

i disappeared.

i would sell my friends.

i said that.

thats awful.

but really,

how much can they be worth

if i cant survive.

and i cant.

i think i might be dead.

partially at least.

otherwise this would all be

a lot more painful

than it seems.

i think i might have died,

a bit of a ways back..

i still fill my quota

of earthly tasks,

but have no desire

for anything of my own,

anymore.

i think theres no more life,

at least not for that girl,

who fell in stupid

and stupid won

and then she was no more.

theres but one end to tie up.

other than that-

im free to go.

theres nothing more

and thats just fine,

cause theres no disappointment,

in what never had a chance,

in what died when starved,

in a sea of nothing,

when there never was any hope for life

at all, at all, at all.

i am so exhausted.

my life is once again being led away from me.

and i cant do anything about it

because i dont hold the reigns.

its a vicious cycle,

one that repeats forever,

like the inside of the universe,

dull and pointless,

killing all.

and its always the same

though the people may change

and the place may shift.

and the year marches on..

i feel terrible guilt,

because its not only my life

that gets destroyed here,,

and i chose to do that.

because i said,

i must be wrong.

and pessimistic

and not realistic.

this isnt reality

and so much must be in my head,

or by my hand,

and things,

will be good.

but they werent.

they arent.

they never are.

and here i am.

once more.

im always right.

though i wish i wasnt.

and what i would sell

for it to be different.

i wish this on no one.

and pray for it just to stop.

it really is

too long

already.

this is too hard.

it’s just always like this.

it always comes down to the same thing

and i never have a way out.

i wish i was something else.

i really don’t like what i am and no matter

if one may tell me it has the greatest worth,

it doesn’t.

i know that to be true.

because at the end of the day

it doesn’t put food on the table

and i am always,

always

relying on others,

which means i must do as they say

or we don’t live.

and that is worthless at best

and way worse than that

at worst.

im too tired to keep going through this

it’s too much strain

on my already weary heart.

one of these days

it’ll give out,

and then i’ll finally breathe.

for now, i’ll continue to put one foot

in front of the other

and try not to trip

on my increasingly hazy

shadow.

im so cut up right now.

in so many ways.

shambles he says.

i say burn burn burn..

i feel the pain

but mostly in spirit,

im adjacent to reality

at times,

except for the rest-

when im sunk right in..

and there never really is any,

-rest that is,

for the weary.

and i,

i am nothing.

nothing

if not

weary.