im so scared
and so sad
and so sure
that it’s all just gone
and it’s making me
a kind of nauseous
i didn’t know
i could get
like there’s no point
and no value
to anything
anymore
and what does it matter
if im here
or not
and what does it matter
if I ever
was
cause in all this
all i get
is that im worthless
and that’s all.
im tired.
so tired.
my eyes are watery,
always now..
and blue beneath
or maybe it’s gray,
i can’t see really.
cause nothing works anymore.
least of all,
the ability to see
colour.
and if it were just
my dreams that were true
and you were now only
in thought,
and all that i knew
was all that i dreamed
cause dreams were just wishes
that caught-
in farewell to arms
in love that cant live
in petrified vestige of youth
lay i in your arms
in fiery death,
a true love lay murdered
by truth.
its unfair,
to expect regret
from a stilted child
with no memory
where touch
meant nothing
and love
meant everything.
I was in your arms.
and it was perfect.
small in big
hard against soft.
then i woke
and you were gone.
and i was alone.
forever.
there’s nothing crueler.
i’ll just wait here.
and either time will take me
or this pain will.
cause you won’t.
not ever.
and there’s nothing crueler
than that.
what’s the point?
i hadn’t had enough pain?
you needed to prove something to me?
that you win no matter what?
that they get off scott free,
and i
lay once again in the pile
of excrement that was planned
way before i ever showed up?
that i get the scarlet letter painted
on my back
and everyone crosses the street
lest they catch my low status?
so I walk alone,
and they move on,
into all the good this world provides.
and i,
i sit
and mourn the impossible
possibility
that never existed for me
in the first place.
cause after all,
whatever the reason is for all this,
i am just a dirty pawn
on the wrong side
of a filthy world.
Amen.
