lifeofawillow

i wish i could say everything

im so afraid you won’t like me

anymore

im pretty broken

and pretty unpretty

and i have no idea ever

what I’m doing

And im ugly in places

and scarred in others

and sometimes

Often actually,

i wish i would just

disappear..

so how could you love me?

maybe you can’t

maybe i never will

and maybe i shouldn’t write this.

cause it’s just plain

shit.

swear jar please.

fuck this.

im not old enough for this.

i dont know how to carry it all.

im too quiet for my own good.

and either its noticed

or its not.

and neither really works.

cause what really is there to say?

so mostly i just cry alone.

cause i am alone.

look around

just look.

its still just me.

and i fill out the forms

and i answer the questions

and i raise my boy

and i keep track of dollars

and try so hard to eat

and attempt to feel myself

if only for a breath

but its been so long

ive forgotten how to sleep

and i look around and see nothing but the blank air i know

and i know it all too well.

cause nothing is real

if its not really there.

no matter how much i want it

or how right it feels.

im still here

juggling the whole goddamn circus

getting on my knees

to clean up

the inevitable spill.

and here i am still

with dirty knees

and bruises

and burns

and not enough tears

cause who has the time for that?

except when my breath catches and i make the mistake

of looking ahead

and realize

that i

am still

alone.

and thats more scary now

than ever before.

nothing to say

cause im not allowed

and you stay away

and i shrink.

and the little i am

and the nothing i know

leaves me hanging again

at the end of a rope

woven by a gd

that i dont understand-

in a world where the villain

is me.

im so sad.

i missed it.

i dont live in the past.

i cant.

its too painful.

because its obviously so much better than this.

and then,

to feel the fit.

the perfection.

just wasted.

cause once again

im not enough.

and i dont want to say the words

because then its real..

but i already know it is.

and i could have said it there

by the ambient light

but instead i was quiet

as i always am.

cause whats the point?

as you were.

though i really really wish you werent.

cause now, theres nothing you even want..

its just lost.

and the credits roll.

I’m so sad

I don’t even care about the capitals

My heart is broken

And my soul is alone

And I understand nothing

Except that I left

And I am scared to lose me

Forever.

For you

Are me.

And I am just too little

Without you.

I pressed from the inside

And all that I got

Was more of me

And I don’t want me

I want more than me

I miss you

And I love you

And I am so grateful

For all you are

And all you have given me.

You have given me life

And dreams.

And pressure

And maybe that’s why

When I press from inside

I only want to press harder

And give you

What you really

Really

Deserve.

Please gd

Give me strength

To give you life

Please

It’s everything good

I promise.

when half your life

is laid at stake

and winter never starts

cause all the leaves

in stilted time

refuse to leave their hearths.

and all you love

with all you are

says all you never said

in simple breaths

of gasping wounds

when lay you down to bed.

and little hand

now big in yours

holds tight

for fear of truth

as love is left

in deep regret

seen ever clear

in youth.

im not sure where she went

but its been a while,

sometimes i remember her-

in the haze

that cloaks my mind,

in the mirror

coated with fog..

but even then

i have trouble

recognizing

anything similar

at all.

perhaps its the smile

thats no longer there,

or the vague film

over her eyes,

or the soul that’s just

one or two

slim shards

that have cut her heart

all but out…