im so scared

and so sad

and so sure

that it’s all just gone

and it’s making me

a kind of nauseous

i didn’t know

i could get

like there’s no point

and no value

to anything

anymore

and what does it matter

if im here

or not

and what does it matter

if I ever

was

cause in all this

all i get

is that im worthless

and that’s all.

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Thief.

im tired.

so tired.

my eyes are watery,

always now..

and blue beneath

or maybe it’s gray,

i can’t see really.

cause nothing works anymore.

least of all,

the ability to see

colour.

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three lives.

and if it were just

my dreams that were true

and you were now only

in thought,

and all that i knew

was all that i dreamed

cause dreams were just wishes

that caught-

in farewell to arms

in love that cant live

in petrified vestige of youth

lay i in your arms

in fiery death,

a true love lay murdered

by truth.

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just me now.

its unfair,

to expect regret

from a stilted child

with no memory

where touch

meant nothing

and love

meant everything.

 

 

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don’t wake me up

I was in your arms.

and it was perfect.

small in big

hard against soft.

then i woke

and you were gone.

and i was alone.

forever.

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malicious god of evil lies.

there’s nothing crueler.

i’ll just wait here.

and either time will take me

or this pain will.

cause you won’t.

not ever.

and there’s nothing crueler

than that.

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The Virgin Whore

what’s the point?

i hadn’t had enough pain?

you needed to prove something to me?

that you win no matter what?

that they get off scott free,

and i

lay once again in the pile

of excrement that was planned

way before i ever showed up?

that i get the scarlet letter painted

on my back

and everyone crosses the street

lest they catch my low status?

so I walk alone,

and they move on,

into all the good this world provides.

and i,

i sit

and mourn the impossible

possibility

that never existed for me

in the first place.

cause after all,

whatever the reason is for all this,

i am just a dirty pawn

on the wrong side

of a filthy world.

Amen.

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