lifeofawillow

theres little to say ever.

theres not much of me left.

nobody knows me.

and maybe thats best.

i didn’t forget.

i never will.

that’s all.

theres a life that goes on

here in my space,

with unclicked ads

from places i subscribed to,

for the perfect item,

or the greatest adventure,

in a masterful seeking

for the one that i loved.

i had all these cards,

i gathered in plan

cause im brilliant at that

and it meant something big..

and slowly,

i threw away,

the pieces i curated

for a love that didnt love back..

and id find small reminders,

in painful corners

where id missed when i tried

to erase.

so i learned to accept

and i let myself be,

cause i couldnt undo

what was done.

and i kept those few cards

and allowed letters to come

and even peek at them now

and again..

and i say soft name

and i gather my heart

as i acknowledge the date

on my palm.

ive nothing to say anymore.

ive accepted all.

ive stopped fighting.

there was only one thing i had any fight in me left for anyway

and for the moment at least theres a reprieve.

i no longer have wants

i have not had needs for years

and whatever it was i did want

i have taken the clear statements

and moved far away.

i have no desire to be that girl anymore

i will never again want anyone that doesnt want me more

than i want them.

i will never give anyone that power.

i am free and clear

and completely empty.

i am filling out the forms

and filing all the crap

and never feel anything

save a bit of panic now and again

and thats nothing really,

cause thats just my mind

and my mind has no place

in any of this

ever.

it died just a short time after my heart.

and i dont think i miss

either one.

it’s early morning

and im only half awake,

i dreamt weird dreams last night

again.

i think im processing things

in my sleep

cause ive no time to

while awake..

there used to be a dance uniform store

downtown

and it had a sign in the window

“put your best foot forward”

i think of that sometimes

cause all i keep doing

is just putting the one

in front of

the other.

i know i don’t have choices

and that makes things very hard

i know i have no control

though people don’t understand why not,

i wish i could explain

that being able to make a cake

or look nice in a dress

don’t a life make…

i feel so deeply ugly these days

that i am truly surprised if anyone says anything different

as i feel i just always look so tired

so worn

and just old

and worthless.

im off today

to do more grunt work

and ill come back to the same

where i’ll prepare

yet another weekend i don’t want

for people i don’t want to be with

for reasons i no longer understand.

maybe i just don’t want to disappoint

or maybe its somewhere inside,

but anything inside

is just a wee bit hard

to get to these days.

if it’s there anymore

at all.

i am so terribly sad.

im trying to find a way around it

but i think im too far gone…

i cant be ok like this

happiness isnt even a thought,

i draw lines around my smiles

all pointing to the death of my unwanted heart.

i cant share this world

with all the knowing,

i cant be here with you.

i dont know what i was meant for

and i no longer care to know.

the pain i feel is so intense

it hurts to be awake

at least in dreams

im not alone

and i feel you feeling me.

i know myself just well enough,

to know this never leaves,

and i pray every day,

that i lose this feeling

but no ones listening..

i know that now too.

im all wrong

and ive been rejected

and it is clear

im not enough,

maybe though,

i can just stop it all

cause whats the difference

if i cant catch my breath then?

whats the difference

anyway?

my head still hurts.

i can only be like this.

and be even a little ok.

i hiked so hard today i stopped feeling it.

i threw up again tonight.

nothing is mine.

not even the food i consume.

my head is twisted in shapes

and the pain i have never goes.

i dont care for what other people want

and i want nothing myself.

except maybe to live in the woods.

i just want to stop the world.

i despise the world

and all the awful people

in it.

i have sunk deeper in

to my saddened self

and pray for darkness each night.

im disappointed when

the morning comes,

with the need to start the process yet again.

i got this odd reprieve last night..

sunk into my head

imagining small words.

it was wonderful

and so, so fake.

i dont know the reason for anything

and dont actually believe there is one.

it make lots of things hard.

i used to discuss stuff like this

but i no longer do

because i dont value anything anyone ever says

anymore.

im tired.

so tired.

here i pray again,

in public forum

to spare me the pain

of continuing.

is all.

alone

and afraid.

and so deeply wounded,

i cant imagine thered ever be

a point.

i know the girl is gone.

maybe its sad,

im not so sure.

goodnight.

hope your dreams

come true.

i just smiled a smile

that i haven’t smiled

in some time.

i know it’s temporary

but it’s the most wonderful feeling.

weird that i can still do that.

and just from reading.

i think I’ll never understand

that power.

i want to say a million things.

but I have no one to say them to.

i cry a lot.

im way too skinny.

and I’m so so so so so so sad.

ive given up on dreams

and notions

and anything resembling

life.

i just get through.

that’s all.

i spoke to someone this week

who hasn’t seen me in a while

and they told me “But you are so much!”

“You have so much to give!”

“And you are so so beautiful!”

and i thought-

i am nothing.

i have nothing left.

i am not beautiful even one little bit.

so i said,

i love you too.

and hung up

and crawled back into my hole.

there’s nothing left.

it was all taken.

or given.

that’s the worst.

that i gave.

and not in the way an idiot would think.

but of my heart.

i gave of my heart.

and it was all i had.

it was all

i

had.