when half your life
is laid at stake
and winter never starts
cause all the leaves
in stilted time
refuse to leave their hearths.
and all you love
with all you are
says all you never said
in simple breaths
of gasping wounds
when lay you down to bed.
and little hand
now big in yours
holds tight
for fear of truth
as love is left
in deep regret
seen ever clear
in youth.
im not sure where she went
but its been a while,
sometimes i remember her-
in the haze
that cloaks my mind,
in the mirror
coated with fog..
but even then
i have trouble
recognizing
anything similar
at all.
perhaps its the smile
thats no longer there,
or the vague film
over her eyes,
or the soul that’s just
one or two
slim shards
that have cut her heart
all but out…
i don’t even think i have it anymore
and here you are
wanting to take it.
go home little boy
and play with your doll
leave me be
with my simple soul
that feels too much
and can’t let go.
go.
im sad.
possibly indelibly so.
ive hurt what i can’t
and regret every step.
i need to retrieve
but seem blind deaf and dumb.
mostly dumb.
so dumb.
ive repeated a tragedy
cause im nothing myself
and never did learn
how to breathe on my own.
im sad.
i am.
and don’t know how
to fix this mess.
i don’t know how
just don’t know
how.
I think we need to go.
As usual nothing worked
Because I trusted
Because nothing was up to me
Because the money wasn’t mine
The power never is
And the choices are always bad.
And I always choose
Based on some spiritual ideal
That doesn’t exist
And the people that judge
And say it does
And tell me to make my decisions
Aren’t in my shoes
And don’t have to live my life.
And it’s a hell of a lonely one.
And I’m just trying to do my best
With nothing to show for it ever
And what I have
I built,
they come to destroy
Because what I am
And what I can do
Is never good enough
For them.
And so I suffer.
We suffer.
But now it’s too much.
I’ve been lied to one time too many
In their quest to save me.
And it’s all crashing down
In a really bad way.
I have to go.
I know I must.
I don’t know how
But I have nothing else.
Nothing else at all.
nothing still
except the usual
nothing
and still
so even without
any me anymore
there’s never been anything
as still
as this nothing’s ever been
still.
i wonder if the loss of a person
really goes as unnoticed
as it seems.
lifeofawillow 